Enjoy these entries for the Manufacturer’s Response:
Dear Sir Alphonse, Very sorry to hear that the tweed plus-fours we supplied have proved problematic. We have out-sourced our tailoring to India. It appears that a tailor we employ adapted our instructions to suit local fashion. Our agent tells me that he also makes Harem pants for men and women, high waist, wide legs and low crotch. I understand that they looked out of place below your tweed jacket, waistcoat, deerstalker and cravat. Unfortunately, my company has gone into receivership and I will be unable to right the matter. However, I am enclosing a free turban which you may choose to add to your game-shooting attire. I have a freelance photographer friend and could ask him to attend your next shoot. A photo of you in your outfit would certainly be welcomed by the esteemed publication The Field. Happy hunting! C. Huckle Managing Director (Gill Dawson)
I was astonished to receive your letter of complaint regarding the durability of our bespoke suits. We are a very high class tailoring firm and take great pride in the quality of our work. The other day the Duke of Islington complimented me on the quality of my work. He said that my tailoring was a complete fiasco but that I was too modest to admit it. To answer your concern about the durability of our bespoke suits, I can assure you that our suits last for at least forty years. We have been in business for forty years and nobody has come back for another suit. I regret to advise you that there is nothing more we can do for you to assuage your concerns – except to look forward to the day when you return to us, for another suit. Duff Taylor Dorabble Suits (Brian Perriam )
Dear Mrs Grunt, We began making Wesper motorised scooters in 1957 and have never met the problem you experienced. Putting a sow between your knees and the leg guards is not recommended and I am not surprised that, going to market, you crashed. Unfortunately, the advertising firm we employed included a typo in the latest series of adverts, stating that the Wesper was: ‘The scooter with the PIG reputation’. For ‘PIG’ read ‘BIG’. We hope that your scooter can be repaired and will approach our advertising company to see if they will assist with the cost. We will be bringing out our new model ‘The Bullock’ in March and are prepared to offer you a 50% discount on condition that you do not misconstrue the name of this machine. Should you get a Lambretta, please understand it should not carry sheep. S.C.Ooter Customer Relations (Mike Parker)
The Writing wall topic for the May issue is: ‘Softening bad news’ (200 words maximum). Please send entries to me at j.w.somers@exeter.ac.uk or by post to: Pear Tree Cottage, Lower Tale, Payhembury, Honiton, EX14 3HL by April 10th.
Telephone me if you want to chat (01884 277390). I am happy to read drafts and comment/support. Please try to get some of the younger members of the family to contribute. The more the better, so – HAVE A GO!
Example: Dear Mum, All well here – made redundant last week but I was planning to change jobs anyway. Plumbing burst when we were away and when we returned the house was soaking; but it meant the pot plants got water and I’m sure the goldfish loved it – wherever they are! All OK for your visit next week. Southern Rail has closed the line from London to here but I can pick you up – 2.30pm, Marble Arch, 23rd – only a six-hour drive. That’s if I have a car. A lorry crushed the front end as he was tipping aggregate into the layby, but a really nice driver who apologised profusely but refused to give his name and the number plates were grimy and unreadable. We are staying in a friend’s campervan and you can have my (top) bunk. The greenhouse survived the flood and there’s room for me to get on the shelf with the cacti. It will make a change from snuggling up to Amy – or maybe not. Hope you get this email – my new, wet laptop exploded when I turned it on so sent this from next door – good neighbour who only charged me a tenner. Love (Lucky) Jim